Epistle to that Other Man

                                                                                                      36 Chowringhee Lane,

                                                                                                     Calcutta, 4^th October 1938

 My Dearest,

It is for you to know that whatever I have done it’s merely for the sake of your love. I still bear in mind the days when you used to peek from the casement to catch my glimpse. And I blushed and felt pride on my beauty.  But now that you are far, far from my eyes, I am reaching insanity my dear! It seems I would have to find solace again by staring at your balcony incessantly each day and night; believing one day you’ll come.

I must tell you, something happened last night as dreadful as it could be. Like other days I did my evening obeisance, lit all the lamps and lanterns and straight away went upstairs into my room. I knew you waited for the sound of the bell and the conch shell, my indication to you.  I knew you would be waiting in your galleria to catch my glimpse. Even my heart thumped faster thinking about that. How much it soothed my heart to be able to see your face and your manly figure behind those iron sills in the evening was all I wished for throughout the day.  I have always admired you sitting behind your lamp and scribbling something on those blank papers.

We weren’t much far but yet far, the world and its people wouldn’t allow us to unite. My feet were chained in the marital bond. Despicable ties there that confined me and much hatred flowing in my heart now towards my most loved husband. I sometimes wondered and even cursed why you did even come in my life and why you had made me admire you so desperately. 

I had always known you ogled me and truthfully I enjoyed too your amorous stare and also ignoring you, merely with my eyes.  But my heart desired your sight and much more than that. I still remember that expression on your face when you came to know that I wanted the same thing. Yes, I was attracted to you wanting each day to be one with you on this earth forever. How much I burnt from inside day and night was not known to you. You only cared to see my beautiful face and knowing about my presence in the house through that balcony, and you looked satiated. But what about me, I was smouldering from inside.  Day and night I had only one thought in my mind; to be with you, without any fear and without any shame!  

                                                                              ~~~                                                                                                                        

Did you know? One evening when Dheeren Babu watched me dancing on the stage on the day of annual programme in my high school, he told me later that he completely fell for my beautiful face, my desirable fair skin and body. He decided that very moment that he shall marry only me; else he would spend the rest of his life as a celibate. And so he did, he did follow his heart’s desire and found out my address in Kalighat and came looking for me in early hours. My father seeing a man all dressed up in English attire with a paper in his hands and his mouth agape desperately probing something, went ahead and asked him what he was looking for. Poor man! Didn’t knew he was standing in front of the girl’s father expressed his earthly desires in front of him.

My old man too known for his humour cleared his throat and gave him some gambol words of advice and then invited him inside.  By then my father had already judged him that Dheeren Babu was a suave gentleman and after coming to know that he was a barrister by profession and a Zamindar by blood there was no way the old man could have turned down his sumptuous proposal. Within an hour and over a cup of tea I was bid.

And in fifteen days time I became a bride. My identity from a girl changed to a married woman. Yes! I was married to an unknown person, not knowing then what marriage actually meant. A motherless child and brought up by my grandmother I was kept forbidden from knowing marital rules. Still in my pubescent years, I was yet to discover myriad things. The night of flower bed was one of those.

Of course, it was Dheeren Babu who taught me everything and also made me realize that I was much more beautiful even inside those nine yards which I had worn for long, as far I as remembered. He said my skin was butter like smooth and my face was like a betel leaf. My long tresses when loose, reminded him of the autumn breeze that brought the chaste fragrances of faraway lands. And my whole body was like a boat of which he was the sole helmsman. How sweet and loving his gestures were, I wouldn’t be able to express to you in mere words.

He was 28; I was nearly 20, young enough to spend our days and nights in gaiety and abundance of making love. And we did, it was him who made me know myself more as a woman. Our first two years passed by like a tick of a clock. No time was spare for us; we only talked and made love. And people, particularly women of my age envied me. In their eyes I was the fortunate one, a poor girl who had trapped a wealthy man with her charms. But who could shush those many mouths, neither had we cared. And I saw it; that only made his chest swell with pride, to have the most beautiful wife in the town.

He liked seeing me clad in those gorgeous saris that he bought me more often. Vermillion on my forehead, red dot in the middle of my brows, gold ornaments sitting on my fair skin. I did all that, only for him! With dusk, every day I had to become this beautiful marionette that had to serve her master. But don’t misunderstand me, I wasn’t his slave. He treated me like a queen. He had given me love, in truth much more than his love. I was the goddess of love in his eyes. He worshipped me. 

                                                                 ~~~                                                       

You aren’t aware, that Dheeren Babu was a fatherless and a motherless child and was raised and looked after by his grandparents who too died when he stepped into his mid twenties. Consequently; Dheeren Babu found the world’s comfort, love and warmth in my lap. I had also loved him like a child, a friend, a lover and mostly as my keeper. And he soon developed much faith on me; after all I was his soul mate for life.

One morning when I went to him with a cup of tea, I saw him already awake. He was standing in front of the same window from where I had always glanced at you. It almost bunged my heart for a while. Shivering I went closer to him and turned him towards me, grabbing him by his shoulder. But his face, his face had the most innocent expression I had ever seen. I sighed with relief. He didn’t seem to be aware, perhaps much blind or ignorant. But he did seemed a bit different that morning. None of his romantic teasing or holding my arms and not letting me go, he did none of that. Rather he handed over some papers in my hands with intense expressions resting on his face.

I was staring at him in sheer amazement. He then intended me to open those and read. And within few seconds of my opening those crisp white papers with official stamps over them, I realized Dheeren Babu had made me the mistress of his ancestral chattels. He had given me all the rights to his mansion and few other lands that he had in other parts of Calcutta. Those which I only knew of but never had seen them. Alas, what faith in me! He trusted me now more than his earthly belongings, way much faith on me and my love. I was overwhelmed that day, silent tears began rolling down my cheeks and seeing me like that he filled me into his brawny chest. I never thought he would do such thing. Giving me everything, it was complete insanity. Wouldn’t you think?

And during that moment; behind those lucid curtains I knew you were watching us, envying us and this brought a wicked smile on my face. Dheeren Babu was more than my husband; he had now become my Godfather. He was leaving me much fortune for the two of us. My heart began pounding faster in exhilaration; it felt it almost came up to my mouth. I feared he heard my palpitations; perhaps he did and embraced me much tighter within his chest.

I knew that our silent love was growing faster; I sensed how much your eyes spoke of your inner desires. I wanted the same and there inside that mansion, the whole day went by in aloofness and no one to even talk to. The walls, the pillars, the curtains and even those huge French windows were all my enemies. They chained me more. For five years I had been the prisoner of that mansion. It was becoming difficult for me to sustain with all that revulsion that I was beginning to hold now in my heart against Dheeren Babu. Yet, in the evening in front of him I had to become this amorous goddess of love, I was more than trapped!

But I knew you were there holding me in my breaths and this gave me the strength to endure. And that musk aroma of yours’ I always smelt it. The gust often brought it towards my casement filling it into me senses. Those moments I wouldn’t be able to explain how much it raised inside me the desire to run away from that huge house and hide into your arms without ever having to go back again.

No one knew; not even you, that Dheeren Babu kept me locked inside his mansion. He feared I was beyond beautiful and would be fetched by someone. But he always said that he cared for my well being. I trusted him as well, until you came. Seeing you on the other side of that mansion brought a sense of freedom within me, the freedom I had been seeking for long. Finally; I understood that I had to earn it. Dheeren Babu’s overprotective and imprisoning love was making me sink deeper and deeper into the darkness of my own shadow. I wanted to be free and with you forever. At last, I had made up my mind and my decision was unshakable. I chose you, over him!   

  

That day passed usual, with me locked within the mansion. I did chores so that I could keep myself involved. But I was pretending to be normal in front of the house maids. In the evening I gave the maids’ day off, everything was planned in my mind. After doing the evening obeisance I rushed upstairs and hastily removed the curtains from the window to catch a glimpse of you. I knew you would come waiting for my sight. I undressed in front of your eyes, my fair skin I knew how much you desired to touch, as much I wanted to be touched by yours’. I know, I seemed calm but a heinous plan was there in my mind, even you weren’t aware. But I was doing it all for our future. With all the fortune I had now, we would be able to lead a plush life. The images of our unison and a blissful life within your embrace were already dancing in front of my eyes.

As the night grew darker, I let those curtains down. I slipped into my silken gown and adorned myself just the way Dheeren Babu liked me to see. I glanced myself myriad times in the mirror and blushed; it wasn’t anymore for him, but for you. The glee of finally knowing that my dreams were soon going to be transformed into reality made me almost dance. As I was whirling in joy with my arms spread, I heard the pendulum stuck ten times and my mind became inevitably alert.

I ran downstairs wondering, did the door lock have opened and he might have come. After checking few many times by going downstairs and running upstairs I finally decided to wait inside our colossal bedroom. The downpour that had started all of a sudden and the thunderstorm outside were making me more nervous. How much I wished you were there with me at that time. I peeked on you in between, you were still there sitting behind the window, glancing at my balcony and scribbling those words again. I often wondered what you wrote. Perhaps you wrote poetry on me or perhaps you made sketches of my silhouette. All those thoughts were helping me cope with time, but the night seemed longer than the other nights’.

Soon again, I heard another pendulum stuck echoing twelve times and the whole house was overflowing with that clamour. It was getting late enough to be worried. I once again stepped into the balcony and looked down. I was trying to hear carefully many times, did the door lock just opened? Lost in varied thoughts and worries I was walking inside the room from here to there, when suddenly I turned back and noticed Dheeren Babu was standing at the facade of our bedroom almost like a shadow. I got startled. For a moment he made my heart stop. I then hastily ran towards him and curled up into his embrace. He was severely wet and a foul smell of liquor came from his mouth. I changed his clothes and carefully laid him on the bed. By that time he had already dozed off. I shook him and intended him to drink a glass of milk. He shook his head but I had to force it all into him and soon he fell on the bed. After some thirty minutes I checked his pulse, there was none. Dheeren Babu was dead. I had poisoned him.

Leaving his body callously on the bed I ran towards the French window and removed the curtains to catch your glimpse one more time. I saw you were smiling. A deviant smile which I have never seen before and it gave me a strange kind of chill down my spine. I didn’t realize when did my body begin to shiver, what was that nervousness? Why suddenly my heart was thumping faster?  Killing Dheeren Babu didn’t shake me a bit, but now suddenly my hands were trembling. I had a dead man in my bedroom and in front of me in some distance stood my lover. And soon I saw you hurriedly leaving the room. Why did you leave? Didn’t you read my gestures, I tried to explain it to you but you didn’t even care to look at me once. I stood puzzled for few moments and after some time something got into me. An outlandish emotion soon took control over me and I began pulling and tearing down the curtains. I started throwing all the antiques and glass items on the floor.

Yes! I had gone insane; I came inside and took one glance at my dead husband’s body lying peacefully on the bed. Staring at him, I realized that this is what I had wanted, freedom! I couldn’t wait for the dawn anymore; I fetched the keys from his vest’s pocket and opened all the locks of that huge mansion. There was no one to stop me, not anymore. I hurriedly crossed the courtyard and opened the Iron Gate and ran towards your house.

As I crossed the road and reached there, suddenly everything seemed different; the house looked like a derelict house as if no one had lived here for long. There were creepers everywhere that had climbed higher till roof. That seemed strange! Hadn’t I noticed them before or perhaps I was much attracted towards you to notice such meaningless things. Then I began climbing the stairs and saw most of them were kaput and soon I noticed the door to your room was open. It was shutting and opening and the whole place had a peculiar fetid smell as if some dead animal or body was rotting somewhere. I was wondering how you lived here, but then I smiled that your gloomy days were going to end soon.

Afterwards my eyes fell on the table behind that window from where you used to stare incessantly at me and the chair you sat on and always wrote something. But to my surprise, I found all the pages blank, there was nothing on them. I stood motionless for some time, with that stinking smell filling into my nostrils. I was clueless where have you just disappeared within a fraction. I tried to look for you in this broken house everywhere, on the nearby roads but you were nowhere to be seen.

I have thus left this epistle on your desk; if you ever come back and read it, you’ll know that I would be waiting for you all alone in that huge house still behind the panes of that French window. I have faith that you’ll come for me one day and take me in your arms as your woman. My beloved as the dawn arrived I had to go back into that mansion again. I knew Dheeren Babu must have been waiting for me; it was time for his bed tea...

Yours forever,                                                   

Qumudini

This story has won me third place in the WordSmith Award Contest organized by the Asian Literary Society .